The End of an Era

It's my last summer at home and it feels weird.

I feel like I'm trapped between to places and can't find my footing anywhere. Quarter life crisis, that's what my brother said they were called. Uncertainty, ambiguity reign, applications, deadlines, endless cups of black tea chai and papers fill your days. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The other day I called up my homie freaking out cause I have no idea what I want to do after school. And I'm the "sure" one. I've always been the friend that has things all planned out, but this time I have no idea. Well all I have are freakin' ideas. No real plans, no real burning desires for anything. I just know I'm not ready to go to work and no it's not because of the economy or anything - honestly I was in Egypt when that whole "the economy" thing began. I'm not belittling it, but it took people 12-18months to realize we were in a recession and I'm like spare me the drama and deal.

Anyway, so yeah I am freaking out currently about everything from marriage and people all around me getting engaged (um scary people) and fellowship application due dates on September 1st, grad schools flooding my mail box (albeit I signed up for constant updates), and my mother questioning me about post grad health insurance. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh what to do?

I don't think I'm afraid or anything, I just have so many options and there are very few places I wouldn't go. For instance chilling at a beach resort on the coast of Honduras living, bar tending and learning to cook native dishes/Honduran slang sounds AMAZINGLY APPEALING! I can't even tell you how thankful I would be for the tan, the peace, the challenge, and the ability to make great drinks for perpetuity! But then again how often would I see my family? Is that really a concern? What would I be doing besides chilling? How am I setting myself up for success in the future by basking in the sun in Honduras? Then the answers are:

1. Attain fluency in Spanish
2. Learn how to cook and operate in diverse environments
3. Meet contacts of people who would attend resorts (moneyfied folk)
4. Freelance and report on Honduras for small news services and get my journalism credentials up
5. Volunteer and have an unusual resume for grad school

Then again if I want to work in the Middle East/Northern Africa and become fluent in Arabic I can't see how being away from the language for a year will really do me any good. Then again I could go to a critical language academy in Morocco and combine languages and throw some French in the mix, but who's going to pay for it? Fulbright would fund me in Egypt, I could get into ALI or CASA and not worry and chill in Egypt, get to know Ezzedine Choukri better and pick his brain, become really familiar with the country and pick up on more of the cultural aspects which would be killer cool. Then, I could go to grad school and have a Master's Degree at 23 = bad ass but no experience and more books and I would have nothing too compelling to add. Then there's the work option but where, for what, for whom, and for how long before office work drives me crazy? I can't even want that. I just can't.

Finally Raheem DeVaughn came up on my ipod! Yes jammin smooth tunes as I write this.

Back on topic, there are just so many different ways my world could turn. I could be teaching in Japan this time next year or singing songs in some pub in Ireland. Really, the freedom is invigorating and unnerving at the same time. I am praying for guidance and know that God will direct me where I need to be in due time, however right now I gotta make sure I take the right steps that will set me up for success. Staying prayed up is one step that I need to firmly get a handle on.

My last summer at home. My last summer at home as a student. I mean I'll be a student for the rest of life - in fact my mom's going back to school in the fall for her job and she already has a Master's Degree - but you know what I mean. I'm growing up and that too is unnerving. It's getting late and I need to head to sleep but trust there will be many more of these posts coming.

If you have any suggestions for me and what I should do with my life let me know!

Luvs

Never Have I Ever...

So here we are with college students' favorite (drinking) game. It starts out innocent, a group of nondescript 18-25yr olds encircle near beer and vodka with their palms before their eyes, all ten spread out and ready to drop, throats cheering for libation. The first one speaks (the one with the most to hide who always has killer questions cause her quest to gossip outweighs her concern for personal discretion) "Never have I ever…" And as those around the circle lean in to hear the verbal clause, their eyes fixate on that special person in the circle that they had been waiting on for confirmation of their prejudgments. Kelly looks at Bobby wondering if the rumor that he cheated on his ex was true, Bobby wondering if Shay made out with Rico, and Vanessa waiting to see Justin's finger drop on the critical statement "... counted how many licks it took till I got to the center of her tootsie pop."

Ten fingers. The game where strangers and friends (more often than not acquaintances that really have no formal connection besides passing each other in the quad) find out each other's deepest and darkest secrets from sexual escapades and collegiate fidelity to who's selling the sweetest herb, who fell out on E last weekend, and who got their daddy to pay off a professor to pass them in a class they were surely failing. This game will get you into trouble and has the potential to be blackmail material in the future so be sure you're not "black out" before participating. Just a warning. If you've ever played never have I ever, post some of the most memorable phrases here - I would love to know (plus by the time the second round hits I'm already out of questions ((and fingers *cough* *cough*))).

Just to get you started, "Never have I ever…

1. Picked my nose in public."
2. Used toys during…"
3. Found my best friend's boyfriend/girlfriend attractive to the point where I'd risk my friendship."
4. Slept with more than one male/female in the same night."
5. (Best pick up line ever courtesy of Natalia) wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now."

On the Drive Home

Have you ever sat in your car on a long drive home and heard one too many love songs? Have you ever spent too much time in your own head? Do you feel a lot? If so, you my luv will understand me perfectly. Lately I've taken to sojourning down the road of self discovery and to questioning everything and everyone around me. It has been enlightening and not necessarily all that fun. Especially when it comes to my dramatic and lackluster love life, the world that I currently reside in is rife with dreams, actions, mistakes, pit holes, lots of introspective journal writing, and seemingly perpetual loneliness. I always feel more alone when I'm at home – but I am glad to report that this summer has been eventful enough for me to not dwell on it. My ex and I made amends, I started talking to someone else (only for them to find my occasional imbibing not to their liking), I have managed to keep my legs closed for the majority of the summer, I stopped playing with one guys emotions, and completely screwed someone else (whose supposition on the nature of our relationship was way off base – but I did aid that along for a while which was wrong of me.) Ahh well this is life right?! At the ripe old age of 21 I am bound to learn so much about what I don't know and even more about what I don't know that I don't know. I have had enough life experiences to fill up a lifetime – yet good and bad I wouldn't trade them (which sounds all too cliché I know!)

Back to what I was saying though the long drive from the Galleria to Beltway on the north side of Houston. I thought a lot and not necessarily by choice. None of the Gospel music was hitting the right chord for me, the R&B station failed miserably to placate my insatiable appetite for a distraction, and it's Sunday which means that songs by Lil Wayne and H-Town Swisha House are not to be played. It's the one day of the week I take a break from my generation and mellow out to some old school or praise music for God. Anyway, nothing was left to do other than stare at the blinking LED light on my crackberry waiting for anyone to BBM me, watch the road, and ponder incessantly about the events of late and my place in this world.

He's either playing me or playing with me. I really don't understand how a man can be so affectionate and into you one day and then the next be standoffish and elusive?! Really what the hell? Now I realize that when you bring your homegirls around a guy you're talking to he can get that Drake syndrome (reference lyrics – she bring her friends around and make a nigga reconsider and man) which I totally thought through before I made the trek from Missouri City to 4^th ward @ 2am with 8 girls in my car but I figured that if he would act like that then I would know where to put him. But this nigga one upped even that notion – putting me on blast through a game of "Neva have I ever" or "10 questions" or "10 fingers" whatever you prefer. He said, and I quote, "Never have I ever wanted to date anyone in this room" with me sitting next to him and no he didn't put his finger down. And I was like homeboy bull shit! How you gone say that you wouldn't date me when just yesterday you were all on me, dragging me to your room when I was trying to keep it friendly? Kissing me, laying out on your bed as an invitation, holding me, being goofy? Like we know you want to hit but you won't out of principal and I won't let you out of respect for self. We already know that, we already established that we were going to be just friends – check. So again I ask, What Tha Hell? I was like, this is your second time putting me on blast with people around. I got the damn message. You didn't have to move to a different side of the room, you didn't have to actively ignore me, you didn't have to be fine as shit. You know really spare me please.

Uhhhh I'm so frustrated and I know this post doesn't make any sense cause you don't have the background story, but really it's not necessary. If you've ever been toyed with then you'll understand. What makes matters worse is that I really wanted to like him and I am not the kind of girl that just wastes feelings on men for longer than a week. I just don't have the wherewithal to. But this one had me talking about abroad and his ass saying that he'll only go if I got with him. What kind of shi… what the hell?! Shut up talking to me please? Please! That's the problem with the fine ones that actually have something going for them. They are messed up in the head! They're either insecure or scared or bull shit or aint shit. Gosh! Then his patna – I don't even want to get started on this man.

Poor thing, he's jaded. It's not his fault. His high school sweetheart and longtime GF cheated on him with someone else. Now, I don't know the details and absolutely no names, but this man is hurt – deep. He came in already with an attitude facing a bombardment of women who were slightly tipsy and in the midst of a slumber party. When he walked through the door it was already over. He brought up the topic of relationships and how all women are the same but men are different, all women are, and I quote, "Never real half the time" which is supposed to connote the fact that women are only finicky half the time and the other half they are completely lying or bullshitting. And he says this to us as a justification of the fact that he doesn't approach women to talk to, he doesn't go out to meet them, he doesn't put an effort into it cause it's not worth it. One day the woman he wants will just plop on his lap I guess. I don't know he was talking about how he watches the scene and sees the same pattern. And I was like maybe you need to move to a new hang out spot for some variety cause it sounds like you're life is quite monotonous. He wasn't ready. None of those guys are which is why I need to just keep it friendly. What I want is too much, and the man I need in my life has yet to arrive so I'm not going to trip or try to create him, Imma let his ass find me and when he does it's over. Shut it down and let us go half on a baby (the other half to follow after a ring and 3 years).

Ok – I know this post was a little neurotic and cluttered at best, but I promise it will get better as time goes on. I am just so – uhhhh I really do get in this mood where I can't stand dealing with guys. And it's extra frustrating because when it's not me in the situation things seem clear as day but now that I'm in it nothing makes sense. If you have any advice for me hit me up and let me know, otherwise stay tuned for more of A Hot Ghetto Wet Trash Mess!

Soul Searching

I've come to a sort of rolling epiphany. In the past year or two I've been struggling to find me – to form an identity. I have yet to succeed. There are characteristics that are inherently me. I know that I am determined: determined to succeed, not to file papers at my internship, to be given an opportunity to impress, to impress, to be mature and thoughtful, to sing as much as possible, to write, to express myself, to dance, to travel, to speak languages, to love and be loved, to cry, laugh, giggle, hug my God brothers and sisters, read, get my way. I am confident. Despite what I sometimes tell myself I believe in me. I sometimes have my doubts about what I'm capable of and how far I can go without feeling like I've put in that much effort, but I know that I have accomplished some very meaningful things in my lifetime. I know I will go far. I know I will be the best at whatever it is that I chose to do – I just have to get there. This year more than any other, well this whole transition into adulthood has been marred by endless waiting. I'm always waiting for something else to happen. I sit in school day in and day out waiting for the next best thing. I sit at home during the summer, at my desk at work waiting for the next best thing. In everything it seems like I'm waiting. For what? I wish I knew. I'm like that with boys/men too. I'm struggling to find the puzzle pieces of life that fit in perfectly with me.

 

But, I know I will do well – I sometimes second guess myself though. Sometimes I think I don't measure up, I think that I can't ever meet up to anyone's expectations or keep everyone happy around me. Really, my world is in chaos. I've made a lot of decisions this year (2008) that I haven't been too proud of. I've carried some mistakes over from 2007 into 2008 and I've been moving like I got on draws coated in gasoline. This may be the first time that I've sat back and reflected on what the hell has been going on.

First off, my rocky and rewarding relationship with Brentt. Oh Jesus. This saga seems like it won't ever end, not that I want it to. But even now, as we aren't officially together we can't help but act like we are. We went through this excruciatingly painful break up night and then the next day, cause we had aired out all of our frustrations and just shitty thoughts about the other person, were more in love with each other than ever.

(Lessons from Drama: If you've been in relationship for a prolonged amount of time and are having problems with increasing frequency as the weeks pass, have a fight session. Suspend all niceties, break up for a few hours and then let everything off of your heart go. Just say it. If you think he's a short fat and hair son of a bitch who hurts your feelings beyond measure and you sometimes can't stand the sight of him unless he's holding you in his arms then girl let him know. And if she drives you completely insane with all of her complaining and is an unruly, unclean, non-cooking, bossy as hell, annoying, nagging, bow legged mother fucker who you can't imagine not sleeping next to her at night let her know)

It was amazing because for weeks we couldn't stop talking to each other, and then something in me clicked. I was talking with Sophia about missing sex and then feeling single. It was interesting because I was like, wait – I am single. I can flirt! Oh wow. And that's when the summer got interesting. There was Todd and Cooper (please don't think I'm running around sleeping with people cause that's not the case) anyway I discovered that I deserve more than what Brentt gives me by just being a woman. I should be dined and played hide and go seek with and picked up and looked at with "that look". I should be – well I should be talked sweetly to and held and pampered and rubbed down and held and talked to. So many things that I want him to do. Really, these guys this summer were place holders. They showed me how great Brentt is and areas where I need to improve on self perception. Self worth. Value of self. My mom told me my standards aren't high enough. She told me I should expect so much more and I ain't gone lie, she's right. I have to demand more respect for me, more respect of me toward myself. I have to learn to love me.

This evolution is like your hair in between haircuts and right before a relaxer. It ain't pretty. But it's when you look beyond the accessories and find who you are. Reach down and find that inner love, that love instilled in you by people who love you and God himself. If I don't love me I know God will love me, but I should love me too. I want to see the beauty in me, harness that, and bottle it so I can have a constant reminder that I am worthy of love.

 

Work in progress.

Status

So my facebook has changed radically in the last two weeks. I went from in a relationship to single to the ever dreaded, "It's Complicated". But the truth is.... the situation is complicated. Brentt and I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions - a 15 year marriage and divorce condensed into two months - with the real drama erupting the last three weeks.

As many who know me already know, I love the boy. I can't help it. He and I are good for each other. Yet these last three weeks or so have been trying on my emotions. Every night as I run into my closet after midnight to talk to him (to avoid involving my mother or her hearing my conversation and trying to interrupt it) I sit in the same spot, pace in the same 4x4 narrow walk way I cleared, I'm reminded that I'm not sleeping next to him. I'm reminded that I'm not watching him bump his head on the ceiling on his way into our twin bed frame paradise. I'm reminded that he's not chasing me on a scooter or pulling me away from Erica. I'm reminded that things aren't - nor will they ever be the same.

This might be a really good thing for us though - at least that's what I continue to tell myself. It would be good to see the world without my heart longing to see it with him. It might be wonderful to kiss a few random guys, flirt with a kid from Bahrain, or dance seductively with a Persian. I might like drinking again and can smoke my Hooka without judgement. It'll be good right? Uh whatever. To admit that I'll be okay with some other girl pushing up on what's mine is so far from the truth the devil himself would be outdone! There ain't no way in heaven nor hell that I'm just going to tread quietly as someone else sucks up all my goodies (and no that wasn't a sexual reference but if it makes you happy...) I'll be damned if some little hussy in C-Mont decided to take a stab at him - see if they can woo him into their poison bossom. OKAY maybe I'm taking this a little far but you get the point.

That is the young man I love! Yeah I wrote it and I mean it in that: I want to kill you; I hate that I feel this way; You make me sick; oh don't look at me like that; you rock my world; look at him walk; hmph hmph hmph; boy I want to sop you up with a butter biscuit; la la la la la la la (like Jill); oooo this feels so nice - kinda love.

Ladies I'm telling you I got a good one. But if this one messes up I got a laundry list of other ones to go through - but don't think that gives you permission to step to what I done already put my flag on and lit a fire under!

Weekend Fun

This Shit Don't Make No Sense

So let me tell you,

He broke up with me last night. I know no one knows the back story but I will just leave that to questions asked. I called him because we hadn't just sat down and had a conversation in what to me felt like a really long time. I missed his voice, I missed his stupid jokes, and I missed him annoying me. He decided to stay in LA with his ex roommate in a hotel during their two day orientation. All of their friends from school came up and chilled and hung out and I got to listen all the way from Texas how fortunate am I? Anyway I told him before when he was staying with another homie at school (all of 5 minutes from his house) that I feel uncomfortable talking to him while he's in front of his boys for 2 reasons:

1. He acts soooo different as all males do
2. He talks to me different, the language he decides to use, the way he chooses to address me changes when other testoerone is around.
3. He's not himself like - I don't know how to explain it but things are different, his tone of voice, his demeanor everything....

So of course I get off the phone and let him do his thing for the upteenth millionth time and then something clicks - those kids are going to see him all summer long - all semester long! Why would you waste your time looking at them and not talking to me?! It's not like you'll hear my voice some other way or remember my touch if not stimulated by some piece of me and then he told me he wanted to talk everyday and I was the one scared that I would get his hopes up because I'm working and getting ready to go to Egypt and a whole host of other shit. So, now that the tables have turned I'm stuck between a rock and hell. I wanted to tell him something, tell him how I felt but I couldn't bare to call him again, so I used to only medium I knew would get to him in a timely manner and wouldn't cost him a texting fee - facebook.

Yeah I did it. I wrote him a message through facebook and it said:

So, just wanted u to know that I'm frustrated cuz I don't get to talk 2 you. I know you're hanging with your friends but make time for me too. It's enough that I don't get to see you. There's so much that happens to me in a day that I want to tell you about n so much that you do that I want to hear about but I can't cause you're too busy. I know you'll be like ok mama n itz only been a couple of days but soon it will get comfortable n we'll be used to not hearing from each other n then I'll be abroad.

If I tell you I don't feel comfortable talking 2 u while ur in a rm full of people (mostly cause you act n talk 2 me different) then step out of the room. I mean you send me this awesome txt but then I can't hear it straight from you or talk about it or tease you. Itz frustrating. Itz also frustrating cause I know you might not understand why it upsets me so much. I just want some us time as weird as that sounds. I don't want to forget what that feels like.

And if you say you're going to call me back please do it! Don't have me waking up multiple times in the night hoping that this time you will have called cause it gets to be depressing. N also remember that I have to go 2 work 2 hours ahead of you waking up. Have a great orientation n know that I'm on a flight to nyc on wed. morning.

Lets not miss out on whatz going on with each other. If we don't talk and we don't write then... ne way I hope you call but I have a feeling you won't.

Besos y Amor,
Me
Anyway have fun do your do act a fool wutev... just make time for me. I'm not asking anymore n from here on out am jus gonna let things be but I wanted you to know how I feel.

So that's what I sent him. Maybe it was a little fussy. Okay a lot fussy but honestly I was jealous! It's so unfair that I am states away while his friends are minutes away! Why should they get to have him all to their selves while his girl is sitting here waiting by the phone for him to call her? Yeah I was jealous but I think it was within reason. I just miss him so much. He's so much a part of my life and has in many ways characterized my college career and the personal growth that I have undergone lately. This whole situation is retarded. Anyway I can give more details if anyone cares to know - but here's the gist of it:

1. I sent the facebook message at 11:30 right after I called him my time (he's 2 hours behind me)
2. He calls me back at 1:36am (yes I remember the time exactly) to tell me that he felt the need to reiterate that we weren't together.
3. I was like "WHAT?!" Since when has this been decreed?
4. He told me that he didn't want to have a girlfriend that was going to be thousands of miles away in another country for a year.
5. I questioned him intently and wondered why we were on a break but not totally over when we left school and now we're not together? - Just for clarification. I questioned what it was he wanted to do cause if he wanted to run wild then he should have told me that from jump. He sprung our break up on me that fast, sudden, abrupt, and heartless.
6. I cried. Of course.
7. He asked me why I was so but hurt
8. I ripped into him and started going off on his hypocritical tendencies - like sending me a text message saying that he loves me for the first time in 2 years and then breaking up with me less than a week later. Or how he told me just a week and a half ago that we would talk all the time (this was after our second tiff after being in different cities) and now he's saying something different. Or the text about how my mom knows that we have a good relationship and that he's a good boyfriend and that's why him and my mom are friends sent 3 days ago but now that's not true either? What? Just because you are around your friends doesn't mean you get to act hard in the yard! Just because you've been away from me and you feel this inherent and inevitable detachtment that allows you to not care about my emotions, just becuase you don't have to SEE me cry DOES NOT GIVE YOU A RIGHT TO BREAK MY HEART, TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, OR AN AVENUE FOR YOU TO TURN PAST SITUATIONS AROUND TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE MY FAULT. IT IS NOT THE TIME TO ADOPT THAT "OH HOLIER THAN THOU" FUCKING "I'M NEVER WRONG AND YOU ARE A LOT TO HANDLE AND I'M THE MOST PATIENT MAN YOU KNOW" BULLSHIT! Uh next point
9. So an arguement about our relationship turned into an arguement about my lie and the Brian situation (ask for details) and turned into a you're wrong I'm right fest so I hung in his face - because there were a few we will label them. This face hangup was based on the fact that I didn't want to hear anything else out of his mouth, therefore it will be called -"I Don't Have Time For This" dialtone. Talk to the dial tone homie cause I don't want to hear you - I can't even deal with this right now!
10. I called back to ask how he could tell me loved me and then not want to be with me.
11. He evaded the question and we began to argue about other shit.
12. Scream Fest
13. "Nah fuck you dog"-Him ; "Oh, fuck you too then" - Me
14. In face hangup #2 this one shall be named "Oh no the fuck you did not - talk to dial tone!"
15. The last part of this I am not going to share in even remote detail because I want to keep some part of my relationship to me but we both got to vent. We both said things to each other that hurt. We both tried to clarify our sides of the story, we both had a lot of things pent up that needed air. So, now, hopefully we can have a constructive conversation. I don't know when cause I'm not sure my heart can handle another session like that - but in the near future.

All of this happened between the hours of 1:36 and 3:45am only 3hrs and 15min before I had to get up, get dressed, soothe and treat my puffy eyes, wash my face ect... and go to work. If it ain't one thang it's another!

~1~

What It Is Kid

So finally I have a blog! People have been telling me for the longest time now that I needed to jump on the blog bandwagon - mostly because they are way too nosey and don't have time to listen to my 3hr calls about the lastest drama going on in my life - which for all you newcomers to my little world- happens daily. *Breathe*

Anyway, allow me to introduce myself my name is...NOT Hov but Natalia. Wut up, how are you, peace up LA Lakers down - and I mean all the way down! Lord knows I can't stand a Laker. And what is a Laker anyway can someome please tell me?! Moving on, like I said my name is Natalia, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty - LOL just kidding - please don't fix your fingers to write that! I am in college still. Everytime I look up I have a new term paper to write or bill to pay or teach to meet or bill to pay, oh and can't forget the bill to pay. Yes, all college has amounted to lately is a huge DEBT mark on my credit report and more drama than I ever hoped to be a part of let alone star in. Lol, I'm just joking. Most of what I have to write about will be my own cause I can't put others on blast, but trust if something hilarious is on my heart that I must share, it will come through my fingers.

I go to a small college (no more than 1100 students) in a mountain paradise on the west coast. Here is where all the action goes down. Although, I won't be back there for another year or so (I'm studying in Egypt for the next 10 months) I have plenty of back story to cover. I have a bf, well it's complicated as facebook puts it. We're together but we're not but we really are... ooh child that's a whole series of blogs "fo ya" where I can cover all of that!

I figure, this will be my outlet. My way of coming clean in a public forum without having anyone really know... well whatever. I just wanted to pop my blog cherry and get this party started. (I apologize for the sexual reference if it offended anyone!)

~1~