On the Drive Home

Have you ever sat in your car on a long drive home and heard one too many love songs? Have you ever spent too much time in your own head? Do you feel a lot? If so, you my luv will understand me perfectly. Lately I've taken to sojourning down the road of self discovery and to questioning everything and everyone around me. It has been enlightening and not necessarily all that fun. Especially when it comes to my dramatic and lackluster love life, the world that I currently reside in is rife with dreams, actions, mistakes, pit holes, lots of introspective journal writing, and seemingly perpetual loneliness. I always feel more alone when I'm at home – but I am glad to report that this summer has been eventful enough for me to not dwell on it. My ex and I made amends, I started talking to someone else (only for them to find my occasional imbibing not to their liking), I have managed to keep my legs closed for the majority of the summer, I stopped playing with one guys emotions, and completely screwed someone else (whose supposition on the nature of our relationship was way off base – but I did aid that along for a while which was wrong of me.) Ahh well this is life right?! At the ripe old age of 21 I am bound to learn so much about what I don't know and even more about what I don't know that I don't know. I have had enough life experiences to fill up a lifetime – yet good and bad I wouldn't trade them (which sounds all too cliché I know!)

Back to what I was saying though the long drive from the Galleria to Beltway on the north side of Houston. I thought a lot and not necessarily by choice. None of the Gospel music was hitting the right chord for me, the R&B station failed miserably to placate my insatiable appetite for a distraction, and it's Sunday which means that songs by Lil Wayne and H-Town Swisha House are not to be played. It's the one day of the week I take a break from my generation and mellow out to some old school or praise music for God. Anyway, nothing was left to do other than stare at the blinking LED light on my crackberry waiting for anyone to BBM me, watch the road, and ponder incessantly about the events of late and my place in this world.

He's either playing me or playing with me. I really don't understand how a man can be so affectionate and into you one day and then the next be standoffish and elusive?! Really what the hell? Now I realize that when you bring your homegirls around a guy you're talking to he can get that Drake syndrome (reference lyrics – she bring her friends around and make a nigga reconsider and man) which I totally thought through before I made the trek from Missouri City to 4^th ward @ 2am with 8 girls in my car but I figured that if he would act like that then I would know where to put him. But this nigga one upped even that notion – putting me on blast through a game of "Neva have I ever" or "10 questions" or "10 fingers" whatever you prefer. He said, and I quote, "Never have I ever wanted to date anyone in this room" with me sitting next to him and no he didn't put his finger down. And I was like homeboy bull shit! How you gone say that you wouldn't date me when just yesterday you were all on me, dragging me to your room when I was trying to keep it friendly? Kissing me, laying out on your bed as an invitation, holding me, being goofy? Like we know you want to hit but you won't out of principal and I won't let you out of respect for self. We already know that, we already established that we were going to be just friends – check. So again I ask, What Tha Hell? I was like, this is your second time putting me on blast with people around. I got the damn message. You didn't have to move to a different side of the room, you didn't have to actively ignore me, you didn't have to be fine as shit. You know really spare me please.

Uhhhh I'm so frustrated and I know this post doesn't make any sense cause you don't have the background story, but really it's not necessary. If you've ever been toyed with then you'll understand. What makes matters worse is that I really wanted to like him and I am not the kind of girl that just wastes feelings on men for longer than a week. I just don't have the wherewithal to. But this one had me talking about abroad and his ass saying that he'll only go if I got with him. What kind of shi… what the hell?! Shut up talking to me please? Please! That's the problem with the fine ones that actually have something going for them. They are messed up in the head! They're either insecure or scared or bull shit or aint shit. Gosh! Then his patna – I don't even want to get started on this man.

Poor thing, he's jaded. It's not his fault. His high school sweetheart and longtime GF cheated on him with someone else. Now, I don't know the details and absolutely no names, but this man is hurt – deep. He came in already with an attitude facing a bombardment of women who were slightly tipsy and in the midst of a slumber party. When he walked through the door it was already over. He brought up the topic of relationships and how all women are the same but men are different, all women are, and I quote, "Never real half the time" which is supposed to connote the fact that women are only finicky half the time and the other half they are completely lying or bullshitting. And he says this to us as a justification of the fact that he doesn't approach women to talk to, he doesn't go out to meet them, he doesn't put an effort into it cause it's not worth it. One day the woman he wants will just plop on his lap I guess. I don't know he was talking about how he watches the scene and sees the same pattern. And I was like maybe you need to move to a new hang out spot for some variety cause it sounds like you're life is quite monotonous. He wasn't ready. None of those guys are which is why I need to just keep it friendly. What I want is too much, and the man I need in my life has yet to arrive so I'm not going to trip or try to create him, Imma let his ass find me and when he does it's over. Shut it down and let us go half on a baby (the other half to follow after a ring and 3 years).

Ok – I know this post was a little neurotic and cluttered at best, but I promise it will get better as time goes on. I am just so – uhhhh I really do get in this mood where I can't stand dealing with guys. And it's extra frustrating because when it's not me in the situation things seem clear as day but now that I'm in it nothing makes sense. If you have any advice for me hit me up and let me know, otherwise stay tuned for more of A Hot Ghetto Wet Trash Mess!

Soul Searching

I've come to a sort of rolling epiphany. In the past year or two I've been struggling to find me – to form an identity. I have yet to succeed. There are characteristics that are inherently me. I know that I am determined: determined to succeed, not to file papers at my internship, to be given an opportunity to impress, to impress, to be mature and thoughtful, to sing as much as possible, to write, to express myself, to dance, to travel, to speak languages, to love and be loved, to cry, laugh, giggle, hug my God brothers and sisters, read, get my way. I am confident. Despite what I sometimes tell myself I believe in me. I sometimes have my doubts about what I'm capable of and how far I can go without feeling like I've put in that much effort, but I know that I have accomplished some very meaningful things in my lifetime. I know I will go far. I know I will be the best at whatever it is that I chose to do – I just have to get there. This year more than any other, well this whole transition into adulthood has been marred by endless waiting. I'm always waiting for something else to happen. I sit in school day in and day out waiting for the next best thing. I sit at home during the summer, at my desk at work waiting for the next best thing. In everything it seems like I'm waiting. For what? I wish I knew. I'm like that with boys/men too. I'm struggling to find the puzzle pieces of life that fit in perfectly with me.

 

But, I know I will do well – I sometimes second guess myself though. Sometimes I think I don't measure up, I think that I can't ever meet up to anyone's expectations or keep everyone happy around me. Really, my world is in chaos. I've made a lot of decisions this year (2008) that I haven't been too proud of. I've carried some mistakes over from 2007 into 2008 and I've been moving like I got on draws coated in gasoline. This may be the first time that I've sat back and reflected on what the hell has been going on.

First off, my rocky and rewarding relationship with Brentt. Oh Jesus. This saga seems like it won't ever end, not that I want it to. But even now, as we aren't officially together we can't help but act like we are. We went through this excruciatingly painful break up night and then the next day, cause we had aired out all of our frustrations and just shitty thoughts about the other person, were more in love with each other than ever.

(Lessons from Drama: If you've been in relationship for a prolonged amount of time and are having problems with increasing frequency as the weeks pass, have a fight session. Suspend all niceties, break up for a few hours and then let everything off of your heart go. Just say it. If you think he's a short fat and hair son of a bitch who hurts your feelings beyond measure and you sometimes can't stand the sight of him unless he's holding you in his arms then girl let him know. And if she drives you completely insane with all of her complaining and is an unruly, unclean, non-cooking, bossy as hell, annoying, nagging, bow legged mother fucker who you can't imagine not sleeping next to her at night let her know)

It was amazing because for weeks we couldn't stop talking to each other, and then something in me clicked. I was talking with Sophia about missing sex and then feeling single. It was interesting because I was like, wait – I am single. I can flirt! Oh wow. And that's when the summer got interesting. There was Todd and Cooper (please don't think I'm running around sleeping with people cause that's not the case) anyway I discovered that I deserve more than what Brentt gives me by just being a woman. I should be dined and played hide and go seek with and picked up and looked at with "that look". I should be – well I should be talked sweetly to and held and pampered and rubbed down and held and talked to. So many things that I want him to do. Really, these guys this summer were place holders. They showed me how great Brentt is and areas where I need to improve on self perception. Self worth. Value of self. My mom told me my standards aren't high enough. She told me I should expect so much more and I ain't gone lie, she's right. I have to demand more respect for me, more respect of me toward myself. I have to learn to love me.

This evolution is like your hair in between haircuts and right before a relaxer. It ain't pretty. But it's when you look beyond the accessories and find who you are. Reach down and find that inner love, that love instilled in you by people who love you and God himself. If I don't love me I know God will love me, but I should love me too. I want to see the beauty in me, harness that, and bottle it so I can have a constant reminder that I am worthy of love.

 

Work in progress.