Soul Searching

I've come to a sort of rolling epiphany. In the past year or two I've been struggling to find me – to form an identity. I have yet to succeed. There are characteristics that are inherently me. I know that I am determined: determined to succeed, not to file papers at my internship, to be given an opportunity to impress, to impress, to be mature and thoughtful, to sing as much as possible, to write, to express myself, to dance, to travel, to speak languages, to love and be loved, to cry, laugh, giggle, hug my God brothers and sisters, read, get my way. I am confident. Despite what I sometimes tell myself I believe in me. I sometimes have my doubts about what I'm capable of and how far I can go without feeling like I've put in that much effort, but I know that I have accomplished some very meaningful things in my lifetime. I know I will go far. I know I will be the best at whatever it is that I chose to do – I just have to get there. This year more than any other, well this whole transition into adulthood has been marred by endless waiting. I'm always waiting for something else to happen. I sit in school day in and day out waiting for the next best thing. I sit at home during the summer, at my desk at work waiting for the next best thing. In everything it seems like I'm waiting. For what? I wish I knew. I'm like that with boys/men too. I'm struggling to find the puzzle pieces of life that fit in perfectly with me.

 

But, I know I will do well – I sometimes second guess myself though. Sometimes I think I don't measure up, I think that I can't ever meet up to anyone's expectations or keep everyone happy around me. Really, my world is in chaos. I've made a lot of decisions this year (2008) that I haven't been too proud of. I've carried some mistakes over from 2007 into 2008 and I've been moving like I got on draws coated in gasoline. This may be the first time that I've sat back and reflected on what the hell has been going on.

First off, my rocky and rewarding relationship with Brentt. Oh Jesus. This saga seems like it won't ever end, not that I want it to. But even now, as we aren't officially together we can't help but act like we are. We went through this excruciatingly painful break up night and then the next day, cause we had aired out all of our frustrations and just shitty thoughts about the other person, were more in love with each other than ever.

(Lessons from Drama: If you've been in relationship for a prolonged amount of time and are having problems with increasing frequency as the weeks pass, have a fight session. Suspend all niceties, break up for a few hours and then let everything off of your heart go. Just say it. If you think he's a short fat and hair son of a bitch who hurts your feelings beyond measure and you sometimes can't stand the sight of him unless he's holding you in his arms then girl let him know. And if she drives you completely insane with all of her complaining and is an unruly, unclean, non-cooking, bossy as hell, annoying, nagging, bow legged mother fucker who you can't imagine not sleeping next to her at night let her know)

It was amazing because for weeks we couldn't stop talking to each other, and then something in me clicked. I was talking with Sophia about missing sex and then feeling single. It was interesting because I was like, wait – I am single. I can flirt! Oh wow. And that's when the summer got interesting. There was Todd and Cooper (please don't think I'm running around sleeping with people cause that's not the case) anyway I discovered that I deserve more than what Brentt gives me by just being a woman. I should be dined and played hide and go seek with and picked up and looked at with "that look". I should be – well I should be talked sweetly to and held and pampered and rubbed down and held and talked to. So many things that I want him to do. Really, these guys this summer were place holders. They showed me how great Brentt is and areas where I need to improve on self perception. Self worth. Value of self. My mom told me my standards aren't high enough. She told me I should expect so much more and I ain't gone lie, she's right. I have to demand more respect for me, more respect of me toward myself. I have to learn to love me.

This evolution is like your hair in between haircuts and right before a relaxer. It ain't pretty. But it's when you look beyond the accessories and find who you are. Reach down and find that inner love, that love instilled in you by people who love you and God himself. If I don't love me I know God will love me, but I should love me too. I want to see the beauty in me, harness that, and bottle it so I can have a constant reminder that I am worthy of love.

 

Work in progress.

Status

So my facebook has changed radically in the last two weeks. I went from in a relationship to single to the ever dreaded, "It's Complicated". But the truth is.... the situation is complicated. Brentt and I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions - a 15 year marriage and divorce condensed into two months - with the real drama erupting the last three weeks.

As many who know me already know, I love the boy. I can't help it. He and I are good for each other. Yet these last three weeks or so have been trying on my emotions. Every night as I run into my closet after midnight to talk to him (to avoid involving my mother or her hearing my conversation and trying to interrupt it) I sit in the same spot, pace in the same 4x4 narrow walk way I cleared, I'm reminded that I'm not sleeping next to him. I'm reminded that I'm not watching him bump his head on the ceiling on his way into our twin bed frame paradise. I'm reminded that he's not chasing me on a scooter or pulling me away from Erica. I'm reminded that things aren't - nor will they ever be the same.

This might be a really good thing for us though - at least that's what I continue to tell myself. It would be good to see the world without my heart longing to see it with him. It might be wonderful to kiss a few random guys, flirt with a kid from Bahrain, or dance seductively with a Persian. I might like drinking again and can smoke my Hooka without judgement. It'll be good right? Uh whatever. To admit that I'll be okay with some other girl pushing up on what's mine is so far from the truth the devil himself would be outdone! There ain't no way in heaven nor hell that I'm just going to tread quietly as someone else sucks up all my goodies (and no that wasn't a sexual reference but if it makes you happy...) I'll be damned if some little hussy in C-Mont decided to take a stab at him - see if they can woo him into their poison bossom. OKAY maybe I'm taking this a little far but you get the point.

That is the young man I love! Yeah I wrote it and I mean it in that: I want to kill you; I hate that I feel this way; You make me sick; oh don't look at me like that; you rock my world; look at him walk; hmph hmph hmph; boy I want to sop you up with a butter biscuit; la la la la la la la (like Jill); oooo this feels so nice - kinda love.

Ladies I'm telling you I got a good one. But if this one messes up I got a laundry list of other ones to go through - but don't think that gives you permission to step to what I done already put my flag on and lit a fire under!