Soul Searching

I've come to a sort of rolling epiphany. In the past year or two I've been struggling to find me – to form an identity. I have yet to succeed. There are characteristics that are inherently me. I know that I am determined: determined to succeed, not to file papers at my internship, to be given an opportunity to impress, to impress, to be mature and thoughtful, to sing as much as possible, to write, to express myself, to dance, to travel, to speak languages, to love and be loved, to cry, laugh, giggle, hug my God brothers and sisters, read, get my way. I am confident. Despite what I sometimes tell myself I believe in me. I sometimes have my doubts about what I'm capable of and how far I can go without feeling like I've put in that much effort, but I know that I have accomplished some very meaningful things in my lifetime. I know I will go far. I know I will be the best at whatever it is that I chose to do – I just have to get there. This year more than any other, well this whole transition into adulthood has been marred by endless waiting. I'm always waiting for something else to happen. I sit in school day in and day out waiting for the next best thing. I sit at home during the summer, at my desk at work waiting for the next best thing. In everything it seems like I'm waiting. For what? I wish I knew. I'm like that with boys/men too. I'm struggling to find the puzzle pieces of life that fit in perfectly with me.

 

But, I know I will do well – I sometimes second guess myself though. Sometimes I think I don't measure up, I think that I can't ever meet up to anyone's expectations or keep everyone happy around me. Really, my world is in chaos. I've made a lot of decisions this year (2008) that I haven't been too proud of. I've carried some mistakes over from 2007 into 2008 and I've been moving like I got on draws coated in gasoline. This may be the first time that I've sat back and reflected on what the hell has been going on.

First off, my rocky and rewarding relationship with Brentt. Oh Jesus. This saga seems like it won't ever end, not that I want it to. But even now, as we aren't officially together we can't help but act like we are. We went through this excruciatingly painful break up night and then the next day, cause we had aired out all of our frustrations and just shitty thoughts about the other person, were more in love with each other than ever.

(Lessons from Drama: If you've been in relationship for a prolonged amount of time and are having problems with increasing frequency as the weeks pass, have a fight session. Suspend all niceties, break up for a few hours and then let everything off of your heart go. Just say it. If you think he's a short fat and hair son of a bitch who hurts your feelings beyond measure and you sometimes can't stand the sight of him unless he's holding you in his arms then girl let him know. And if she drives you completely insane with all of her complaining and is an unruly, unclean, non-cooking, bossy as hell, annoying, nagging, bow legged mother fucker who you can't imagine not sleeping next to her at night let her know)

It was amazing because for weeks we couldn't stop talking to each other, and then something in me clicked. I was talking with Sophia about missing sex and then feeling single. It was interesting because I was like, wait – I am single. I can flirt! Oh wow. And that's when the summer got interesting. There was Todd and Cooper (please don't think I'm running around sleeping with people cause that's not the case) anyway I discovered that I deserve more than what Brentt gives me by just being a woman. I should be dined and played hide and go seek with and picked up and looked at with "that look". I should be – well I should be talked sweetly to and held and pampered and rubbed down and held and talked to. So many things that I want him to do. Really, these guys this summer were place holders. They showed me how great Brentt is and areas where I need to improve on self perception. Self worth. Value of self. My mom told me my standards aren't high enough. She told me I should expect so much more and I ain't gone lie, she's right. I have to demand more respect for me, more respect of me toward myself. I have to learn to love me.

This evolution is like your hair in between haircuts and right before a relaxer. It ain't pretty. But it's when you look beyond the accessories and find who you are. Reach down and find that inner love, that love instilled in you by people who love you and God himself. If I don't love me I know God will love me, but I should love me too. I want to see the beauty in me, harness that, and bottle it so I can have a constant reminder that I am worthy of love.

 

Work in progress.

Status

So my facebook has changed radically in the last two weeks. I went from in a relationship to single to the ever dreaded, "It's Complicated". But the truth is.... the situation is complicated. Brentt and I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions - a 15 year marriage and divorce condensed into two months - with the real drama erupting the last three weeks.

As many who know me already know, I love the boy. I can't help it. He and I are good for each other. Yet these last three weeks or so have been trying on my emotions. Every night as I run into my closet after midnight to talk to him (to avoid involving my mother or her hearing my conversation and trying to interrupt it) I sit in the same spot, pace in the same 4x4 narrow walk way I cleared, I'm reminded that I'm not sleeping next to him. I'm reminded that I'm not watching him bump his head on the ceiling on his way into our twin bed frame paradise. I'm reminded that he's not chasing me on a scooter or pulling me away from Erica. I'm reminded that things aren't - nor will they ever be the same.

This might be a really good thing for us though - at least that's what I continue to tell myself. It would be good to see the world without my heart longing to see it with him. It might be wonderful to kiss a few random guys, flirt with a kid from Bahrain, or dance seductively with a Persian. I might like drinking again and can smoke my Hooka without judgement. It'll be good right? Uh whatever. To admit that I'll be okay with some other girl pushing up on what's mine is so far from the truth the devil himself would be outdone! There ain't no way in heaven nor hell that I'm just going to tread quietly as someone else sucks up all my goodies (and no that wasn't a sexual reference but if it makes you happy...) I'll be damned if some little hussy in C-Mont decided to take a stab at him - see if they can woo him into their poison bossom. OKAY maybe I'm taking this a little far but you get the point.

That is the young man I love! Yeah I wrote it and I mean it in that: I want to kill you; I hate that I feel this way; You make me sick; oh don't look at me like that; you rock my world; look at him walk; hmph hmph hmph; boy I want to sop you up with a butter biscuit; la la la la la la la (like Jill); oooo this feels so nice - kinda love.

Ladies I'm telling you I got a good one. But if this one messes up I got a laundry list of other ones to go through - but don't think that gives you permission to step to what I done already put my flag on and lit a fire under!

Weekend Fun

This Shit Don't Make No Sense

So let me tell you,

He broke up with me last night. I know no one knows the back story but I will just leave that to questions asked. I called him because we hadn't just sat down and had a conversation in what to me felt like a really long time. I missed his voice, I missed his stupid jokes, and I missed him annoying me. He decided to stay in LA with his ex roommate in a hotel during their two day orientation. All of their friends from school came up and chilled and hung out and I got to listen all the way from Texas how fortunate am I? Anyway I told him before when he was staying with another homie at school (all of 5 minutes from his house) that I feel uncomfortable talking to him while he's in front of his boys for 2 reasons:

1. He acts soooo different as all males do
2. He talks to me different, the language he decides to use, the way he chooses to address me changes when other testoerone is around.
3. He's not himself like - I don't know how to explain it but things are different, his tone of voice, his demeanor everything....

So of course I get off the phone and let him do his thing for the upteenth millionth time and then something clicks - those kids are going to see him all summer long - all semester long! Why would you waste your time looking at them and not talking to me?! It's not like you'll hear my voice some other way or remember my touch if not stimulated by some piece of me and then he told me he wanted to talk everyday and I was the one scared that I would get his hopes up because I'm working and getting ready to go to Egypt and a whole host of other shit. So, now that the tables have turned I'm stuck between a rock and hell. I wanted to tell him something, tell him how I felt but I couldn't bare to call him again, so I used to only medium I knew would get to him in a timely manner and wouldn't cost him a texting fee - facebook.

Yeah I did it. I wrote him a message through facebook and it said:

So, just wanted u to know that I'm frustrated cuz I don't get to talk 2 you. I know you're hanging with your friends but make time for me too. It's enough that I don't get to see you. There's so much that happens to me in a day that I want to tell you about n so much that you do that I want to hear about but I can't cause you're too busy. I know you'll be like ok mama n itz only been a couple of days but soon it will get comfortable n we'll be used to not hearing from each other n then I'll be abroad.

If I tell you I don't feel comfortable talking 2 u while ur in a rm full of people (mostly cause you act n talk 2 me different) then step out of the room. I mean you send me this awesome txt but then I can't hear it straight from you or talk about it or tease you. Itz frustrating. Itz also frustrating cause I know you might not understand why it upsets me so much. I just want some us time as weird as that sounds. I don't want to forget what that feels like.

And if you say you're going to call me back please do it! Don't have me waking up multiple times in the night hoping that this time you will have called cause it gets to be depressing. N also remember that I have to go 2 work 2 hours ahead of you waking up. Have a great orientation n know that I'm on a flight to nyc on wed. morning.

Lets not miss out on whatz going on with each other. If we don't talk and we don't write then... ne way I hope you call but I have a feeling you won't.

Besos y Amor,
Me
Anyway have fun do your do act a fool wutev... just make time for me. I'm not asking anymore n from here on out am jus gonna let things be but I wanted you to know how I feel.

So that's what I sent him. Maybe it was a little fussy. Okay a lot fussy but honestly I was jealous! It's so unfair that I am states away while his friends are minutes away! Why should they get to have him all to their selves while his girl is sitting here waiting by the phone for him to call her? Yeah I was jealous but I think it was within reason. I just miss him so much. He's so much a part of my life and has in many ways characterized my college career and the personal growth that I have undergone lately. This whole situation is retarded. Anyway I can give more details if anyone cares to know - but here's the gist of it:

1. I sent the facebook message at 11:30 right after I called him my time (he's 2 hours behind me)
2. He calls me back at 1:36am (yes I remember the time exactly) to tell me that he felt the need to reiterate that we weren't together.
3. I was like "WHAT?!" Since when has this been decreed?
4. He told me that he didn't want to have a girlfriend that was going to be thousands of miles away in another country for a year.
5. I questioned him intently and wondered why we were on a break but not totally over when we left school and now we're not together? - Just for clarification. I questioned what it was he wanted to do cause if he wanted to run wild then he should have told me that from jump. He sprung our break up on me that fast, sudden, abrupt, and heartless.
6. I cried. Of course.
7. He asked me why I was so but hurt
8. I ripped into him and started going off on his hypocritical tendencies - like sending me a text message saying that he loves me for the first time in 2 years and then breaking up with me less than a week later. Or how he told me just a week and a half ago that we would talk all the time (this was after our second tiff after being in different cities) and now he's saying something different. Or the text about how my mom knows that we have a good relationship and that he's a good boyfriend and that's why him and my mom are friends sent 3 days ago but now that's not true either? What? Just because you are around your friends doesn't mean you get to act hard in the yard! Just because you've been away from me and you feel this inherent and inevitable detachtment that allows you to not care about my emotions, just becuase you don't have to SEE me cry DOES NOT GIVE YOU A RIGHT TO BREAK MY HEART, TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, OR AN AVENUE FOR YOU TO TURN PAST SITUATIONS AROUND TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE MY FAULT. IT IS NOT THE TIME TO ADOPT THAT "OH HOLIER THAN THOU" FUCKING "I'M NEVER WRONG AND YOU ARE A LOT TO HANDLE AND I'M THE MOST PATIENT MAN YOU KNOW" BULLSHIT! Uh next point
9. So an arguement about our relationship turned into an arguement about my lie and the Brian situation (ask for details) and turned into a you're wrong I'm right fest so I hung in his face - because there were a few we will label them. This face hangup was based on the fact that I didn't want to hear anything else out of his mouth, therefore it will be called -"I Don't Have Time For This" dialtone. Talk to the dial tone homie cause I don't want to hear you - I can't even deal with this right now!
10. I called back to ask how he could tell me loved me and then not want to be with me.
11. He evaded the question and we began to argue about other shit.
12. Scream Fest
13. "Nah fuck you dog"-Him ; "Oh, fuck you too then" - Me
14. In face hangup #2 this one shall be named "Oh no the fuck you did not - talk to dial tone!"
15. The last part of this I am not going to share in even remote detail because I want to keep some part of my relationship to me but we both got to vent. We both said things to each other that hurt. We both tried to clarify our sides of the story, we both had a lot of things pent up that needed air. So, now, hopefully we can have a constructive conversation. I don't know when cause I'm not sure my heart can handle another session like that - but in the near future.

All of this happened between the hours of 1:36 and 3:45am only 3hrs and 15min before I had to get up, get dressed, soothe and treat my puffy eyes, wash my face ect... and go to work. If it ain't one thang it's another!

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What It Is Kid

So finally I have a blog! People have been telling me for the longest time now that I needed to jump on the blog bandwagon - mostly because they are way too nosey and don't have time to listen to my 3hr calls about the lastest drama going on in my life - which for all you newcomers to my little world- happens daily. *Breathe*

Anyway, allow me to introduce myself my name is...NOT Hov but Natalia. Wut up, how are you, peace up LA Lakers down - and I mean all the way down! Lord knows I can't stand a Laker. And what is a Laker anyway can someome please tell me?! Moving on, like I said my name is Natalia, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty - LOL just kidding - please don't fix your fingers to write that! I am in college still. Everytime I look up I have a new term paper to write or bill to pay or teach to meet or bill to pay, oh and can't forget the bill to pay. Yes, all college has amounted to lately is a huge DEBT mark on my credit report and more drama than I ever hoped to be a part of let alone star in. Lol, I'm just joking. Most of what I have to write about will be my own cause I can't put others on blast, but trust if something hilarious is on my heart that I must share, it will come through my fingers.

I go to a small college (no more than 1100 students) in a mountain paradise on the west coast. Here is where all the action goes down. Although, I won't be back there for another year or so (I'm studying in Egypt for the next 10 months) I have plenty of back story to cover. I have a bf, well it's complicated as facebook puts it. We're together but we're not but we really are... ooh child that's a whole series of blogs "fo ya" where I can cover all of that!

I figure, this will be my outlet. My way of coming clean in a public forum without having anyone really know... well whatever. I just wanted to pop my blog cherry and get this party started. (I apologize for the sexual reference if it offended anyone!)

~1~