Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
This Shit Don't Make No Sense
So let me tell you,
He broke up with me last night. I know no one knows the back story but I will just leave that to questions asked. I called him because we hadn't just sat down and had a conversation in what to me felt like a really long time. I missed his voice, I missed his stupid jokes, and I missed him annoying me. He decided to stay in LA with his ex roommate in a hotel during their two day orientation. All of their friends from school came up and chilled and hung out and I got to listen all the way from Texas how fortunate am I? Anyway I told him before when he was staying with another homie at school (all of 5 minutes from his house) that I feel uncomfortable talking to him while he's in front of his boys for 2 reasons:
1. He acts soooo different as all males do
2. He talks to me different, the language he decides to use, the way he chooses to address me changes when other testoerone is around.
3. He's not himself like - I don't know how to explain it but things are different, his tone of voice, his demeanor everything....
So of course I get off the phone and let him do his thing for the upteenth millionth time and then something clicks - those kids are going to see him all summer long - all semester long! Why would you waste your time looking at them and not talking to me?! It's not like you'll hear my voice some other way or remember my touch if not stimulated by some piece of me and then he told me he wanted to talk everyday and I was the one scared that I would get his hopes up because I'm working and getting ready to go to Egypt and a whole host of other shit. So, now that the tables have turned I'm stuck between a rock and hell. I wanted to tell him something, tell him how I felt but I couldn't bare to call him again, so I used to only medium I knew would get to him in a timely manner and wouldn't cost him a texting fee - facebook.
Yeah I did it. I wrote him a message through facebook and it said:
So, just wanted u to know that I'm frustrated cuz I don't get to talk 2 you. I know you're hanging with your friends but make time for me too. It's enough that I don't get to see you. There's so much that happens to me in a day that I want to tell you about n so much that you do that I want to hear about but I can't cause you're too busy. I know you'll be like ok mama n itz only been a couple of days but soon it will get comfortable n we'll be used to not hearing from each other n then I'll be abroad.
If I tell you I don't feel comfortable talking 2 u while ur in a rm full of people (mostly cause you act n talk 2 me different) then step out of the room. I mean you send me this awesome txt but then I can't hear it straight from you or talk about it or tease you. Itz frustrating. Itz also frustrating cause I know you might not understand why it upsets me so much. I just want some us time as weird as that sounds. I don't want to forget what that feels like.
And if you say you're going to call me back please do it! Don't have me waking up multiple times in the night hoping that this time you will have called cause it gets to be depressing. N also remember that I have to go 2 work 2 hours ahead of you waking up. Have a great orientation n know that I'm on a flight to nyc on wed. morning.
Lets not miss out on whatz going on with each other. If we don't talk and we don't write then... ne way I hope you call but I have a feeling you won't.
Besos y Amor,
Me
Anyway have fun do your do act a fool wutev... just make time for me. I'm not asking anymore n from here on out am jus gonna let things be but I wanted you to know how I feel.
So that's what I sent him. Maybe it was a little fussy. Okay a lot fussy but honestly I was jealous! It's so unfair that I am states away while his friends are minutes away! Why should they get to have him all to their selves while his girl is sitting here waiting by the phone for him to call her? Yeah I was jealous but I think it was within reason. I just miss him so much. He's so much a part of my life and has in many ways characterized my college career and the personal growth that I have undergone lately. This whole situation is retarded. Anyway I can give more details if anyone cares to know - but here's the gist of it:
He broke up with me last night. I know no one knows the back story but I will just leave that to questions asked. I called him because we hadn't just sat down and had a conversation in what to me felt like a really long time. I missed his voice, I missed his stupid jokes, and I missed him annoying me. He decided to stay in LA with his ex roommate in a hotel during their two day orientation. All of their friends from school came up and chilled and hung out and I got to listen all the way from Texas how fortunate am I? Anyway I told him before when he was staying with another homie at school (all of 5 minutes from his house) that I feel uncomfortable talking to him while he's in front of his boys for 2 reasons:
1. He acts soooo different as all males do
2. He talks to me different, the language he decides to use, the way he chooses to address me changes when other testoerone is around.
3. He's not himself like - I don't know how to explain it but things are different, his tone of voice, his demeanor everything....
So of course I get off the phone and let him do his thing for the upteenth millionth time and then something clicks - those kids are going to see him all summer long - all semester long! Why would you waste your time looking at them and not talking to me?! It's not like you'll hear my voice some other way or remember my touch if not stimulated by some piece of me and then he told me he wanted to talk everyday and I was the one scared that I would get his hopes up because I'm working and getting ready to go to Egypt and a whole host of other shit. So, now that the tables have turned I'm stuck between a rock and hell. I wanted to tell him something, tell him how I felt but I couldn't bare to call him again, so I used to only medium I knew would get to him in a timely manner and wouldn't cost him a texting fee - facebook.
Yeah I did it. I wrote him a message through facebook and it said:
So, just wanted u to know that I'm frustrated cuz I don't get to talk 2 you. I know you're hanging with your friends but make time for me too. It's enough that I don't get to see you. There's so much that happens to me in a day that I want to tell you about n so much that you do that I want to hear about but I can't cause you're too busy. I know you'll be like ok mama n itz only been a couple of days but soon it will get comfortable n we'll be used to not hearing from each other n then I'll be abroad.
If I tell you I don't feel comfortable talking 2 u while ur in a rm full of people (mostly cause you act n talk 2 me different) then step out of the room. I mean you send me this awesome txt but then I can't hear it straight from you or talk about it or tease you. Itz frustrating. Itz also frustrating cause I know you might not understand why it upsets me so much. I just want some us time as weird as that sounds. I don't want to forget what that feels like.
And if you say you're going to call me back please do it! Don't have me waking up multiple times in the night hoping that this time you will have called cause it gets to be depressing. N also remember that I have to go 2 work 2 hours ahead of you waking up. Have a great orientation n know that I'm on a flight to nyc on wed. morning.
Lets not miss out on whatz going on with each other. If we don't talk and we don't write then... ne way I hope you call but I have a feeling you won't.
Besos y Amor,
Me
Anyway have fun do your do act a fool wutev... just make time for me. I'm not asking anymore n from here on out am jus gonna let things be but I wanted you to know how I feel.
So that's what I sent him. Maybe it was a little fussy. Okay a lot fussy but honestly I was jealous! It's so unfair that I am states away while his friends are minutes away! Why should they get to have him all to their selves while his girl is sitting here waiting by the phone for him to call her? Yeah I was jealous but I think it was within reason. I just miss him so much. He's so much a part of my life and has in many ways characterized my college career and the personal growth that I have undergone lately. This whole situation is retarded. Anyway I can give more details if anyone cares to know - but here's the gist of it:
- I sent the facebook message at 11:30 right after I called him my time (he's 2 hours behind me)
- He calls me back at 1:36am (yes I remember the time exactly) to tell me that he felt the need to reiterate that we weren't together.
- I was like "WHAT?!" Since when has this been decreed?
- He told me that he didn't want to have a girlfriend that was going to be thousands of miles away in another country for a year.
- I questioned him intently and wondered why we were on a break but not totally over when we left school and now we're not together? - Just for clarification. I questioned what it was he wanted to do cause if he wanted to run wild then he should have told me that from jump. He sprung our break up on me that fast, sudden, abrupt, and heartless.
- I cried. Of course.
- He asked me why I was so but hurt
- I ripped into him and started going off on his hypocritical tendencies - like sending me a text message saying that he loves me for the first time in 2 years and then breaking up with me less than a week later. Or how he told me just a week and a half ago that we would talk all the time (this was after our second tiff after being in different cities) and now he's saying something different. Or the text about how my mom knows that we have a good relationship and that he's a good boyfriend and that's why him and my mom are friends sent 3 days ago but now that's not true either? What? Just because you are around your friends doesn't mean you get to act hard in the yard! Just because you've been away from me and you feel this inherent and inevitable detachtment that allows you to not care about my emotions, just becuase you don't have to SEE me cry DOES NOT GIVE YOU A RIGHT TO BREAK MY HEART, TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, OR AN AVENUE FOR YOU TO TURN PAST SITUATIONS AROUND TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE MY FAULT. IT IS NOT THE TIME TO ADOPT THAT "OH HOLIER THAN THOU" FUCKING "I'M NEVER WRONG AND YOU ARE A LOT TO HANDLE AND I'M THE MOST PATIENT MAN YOU KNOW" BULLSHIT! Uh next point
- So an arguement about our relationship turned into an arguement about my lie and the Brian situation (ask for details) and turned into a you're wrong I'm right fest so I hung in his face - because there were a few we will label them. This face hangup was based on the fact that I didn't want to hear anything else out of his mouth, therefore it will be called -"I Don't Have Time For This" dialtone. Talk to the dial tone homie cause I don't want to hear you - I can't even deal with this right now!
- I called back to ask how he could tell me loved me and then not want to be with me.
- He evaded the question and we began to argue about other shit.
- Scream Fest
- "Nah fuck you dog"-Him ; "Oh, fuck you too then" - Me
- In face hangup #2 this one shall be named "Oh no the fuck you did not - talk to dial tone!"
- The last part of this I am not going to share in even remote detail because I want to keep some part of my relationship to me but we both got to vent. We both said things to each other that hurt. We both tried to clarify our sides of the story, we both had a lot of things pent up that needed air. So, now, hopefully we can have a constructive conversation. I don't know when cause I'm not sure my heart can handle another session like that - but in the near future.
All of this happened between the hours of 1:36 and 3:45am only 3hrs and 15min before I had to get up, get dressed, soothe and treat my puffy eyes, wash my face ect... and go to work. If it ain't one thang it's another!
~1~
Monday, June 16, 2008
What It Is Kid
So finally I have a blog! People have been telling me for the longest time now that I needed to jump on the blog bandwagon - mostly because they are way too nosey and don't have time to listen to my 3hr calls about the lastest drama going on in my life - which for all you newcomers to my little world- happens daily. *Breathe*
Anyway, allow me to introduce myself my name is...NOT Hov but Natalia. Wut up, how are you, peace up LA Lakers down - and I mean all the way down! Lord knows I can't stand a Laker. And what is a Laker anyway can someome please tell me?! Moving on, like I said my name is Natalia, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty - LOL just kidding - please don't fix your fingers to write that! I am in college still. Everytime I look up I have a new term paper to write or bill to pay or teach to meet or bill to pay, oh and can't forget the bill to pay. Yes, all college has amounted to lately is a huge DEBT mark on my credit report and more drama than I ever hoped to be a part of let alone star in. Lol, I'm just joking. Most of what I have to write about will be my own cause I can't put others on blast, but trust if something hilarious is on my heart that I must share, it will come through my fingers.
I go to a small college (no more than 1100 students) in a mountain paradise on the west coast. Here is where all the action goes down. Although, I won't be back there for another year or so (I'm studying in Egypt for the next 10 months) I have plenty of back story to cover. I have a bf, well it's complicated as facebook puts it. We're together but we're not but we really are... ooh child that's a whole series of blogs "fo ya" where I can cover all of that!
I figure, this will be my outlet. My way of coming clean in a public forum without having anyone really know... well whatever. I just wanted to pop my blog cherry and get this party started. (I apologize for the sexual reference if it offended anyone!)
~1~
Anyway, allow me to introduce myself my name is...NOT Hov but Natalia. Wut up, how are you, peace up LA Lakers down - and I mean all the way down! Lord knows I can't stand a Laker. And what is a Laker anyway can someome please tell me?! Moving on, like I said my name is Natalia, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty - LOL just kidding - please don't fix your fingers to write that! I am in college still. Everytime I look up I have a new term paper to write or bill to pay or teach to meet or bill to pay, oh and can't forget the bill to pay. Yes, all college has amounted to lately is a huge DEBT mark on my credit report and more drama than I ever hoped to be a part of let alone star in. Lol, I'm just joking. Most of what I have to write about will be my own cause I can't put others on blast, but trust if something hilarious is on my heart that I must share, it will come through my fingers.
I go to a small college (no more than 1100 students) in a mountain paradise on the west coast. Here is where all the action goes down. Although, I won't be back there for another year or so (I'm studying in Egypt for the next 10 months) I have plenty of back story to cover. I have a bf, well it's complicated as facebook puts it. We're together but we're not but we really are... ooh child that's a whole series of blogs "fo ya" where I can cover all of that!
I figure, this will be my outlet. My way of coming clean in a public forum without having anyone really know... well whatever. I just wanted to pop my blog cherry and get this party started. (I apologize for the sexual reference if it offended anyone!)
~1~
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