The End of an Era

It's my last summer at home and it feels weird.

I feel like I'm trapped between to places and can't find my footing anywhere. Quarter life crisis, that's what my brother said they were called. Uncertainty, ambiguity reign, applications, deadlines, endless cups of black tea chai and papers fill your days. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

The other day I called up my homie freaking out cause I have no idea what I want to do after school. And I'm the "sure" one. I've always been the friend that has things all planned out, but this time I have no idea. Well all I have are freakin' ideas. No real plans, no real burning desires for anything. I just know I'm not ready to go to work and no it's not because of the economy or anything - honestly I was in Egypt when that whole "the economy" thing began. I'm not belittling it, but it took people 12-18months to realize we were in a recession and I'm like spare me the drama and deal.

Anyway, so yeah I am freaking out currently about everything from marriage and people all around me getting engaged (um scary people) and fellowship application due dates on September 1st, grad schools flooding my mail box (albeit I signed up for constant updates), and my mother questioning me about post grad health insurance. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh what to do?

I don't think I'm afraid or anything, I just have so many options and there are very few places I wouldn't go. For instance chilling at a beach resort on the coast of Honduras living, bar tending and learning to cook native dishes/Honduran slang sounds AMAZINGLY APPEALING! I can't even tell you how thankful I would be for the tan, the peace, the challenge, and the ability to make great drinks for perpetuity! But then again how often would I see my family? Is that really a concern? What would I be doing besides chilling? How am I setting myself up for success in the future by basking in the sun in Honduras? Then the answers are:

1. Attain fluency in Spanish
2. Learn how to cook and operate in diverse environments
3. Meet contacts of people who would attend resorts (moneyfied folk)
4. Freelance and report on Honduras for small news services and get my journalism credentials up
5. Volunteer and have an unusual resume for grad school

Then again if I want to work in the Middle East/Northern Africa and become fluent in Arabic I can't see how being away from the language for a year will really do me any good. Then again I could go to a critical language academy in Morocco and combine languages and throw some French in the mix, but who's going to pay for it? Fulbright would fund me in Egypt, I could get into ALI or CASA and not worry and chill in Egypt, get to know Ezzedine Choukri better and pick his brain, become really familiar with the country and pick up on more of the cultural aspects which would be killer cool. Then, I could go to grad school and have a Master's Degree at 23 = bad ass but no experience and more books and I would have nothing too compelling to add. Then there's the work option but where, for what, for whom, and for how long before office work drives me crazy? I can't even want that. I just can't.

Finally Raheem DeVaughn came up on my ipod! Yes jammin smooth tunes as I write this.

Back on topic, there are just so many different ways my world could turn. I could be teaching in Japan this time next year or singing songs in some pub in Ireland. Really, the freedom is invigorating and unnerving at the same time. I am praying for guidance and know that God will direct me where I need to be in due time, however right now I gotta make sure I take the right steps that will set me up for success. Staying prayed up is one step that I need to firmly get a handle on.

My last summer at home. My last summer at home as a student. I mean I'll be a student for the rest of life - in fact my mom's going back to school in the fall for her job and she already has a Master's Degree - but you know what I mean. I'm growing up and that too is unnerving. It's getting late and I need to head to sleep but trust there will be many more of these posts coming.

If you have any suggestions for me and what I should do with my life let me know!

Luvs

Never Have I Ever...

So here we are with college students' favorite (drinking) game. It starts out innocent, a group of nondescript 18-25yr olds encircle near beer and vodka with their palms before their eyes, all ten spread out and ready to drop, throats cheering for libation. The first one speaks (the one with the most to hide who always has killer questions cause her quest to gossip outweighs her concern for personal discretion) "Never have I ever…" And as those around the circle lean in to hear the verbal clause, their eyes fixate on that special person in the circle that they had been waiting on for confirmation of their prejudgments. Kelly looks at Bobby wondering if the rumor that he cheated on his ex was true, Bobby wondering if Shay made out with Rico, and Vanessa waiting to see Justin's finger drop on the critical statement "... counted how many licks it took till I got to the center of her tootsie pop."

Ten fingers. The game where strangers and friends (more often than not acquaintances that really have no formal connection besides passing each other in the quad) find out each other's deepest and darkest secrets from sexual escapades and collegiate fidelity to who's selling the sweetest herb, who fell out on E last weekend, and who got their daddy to pay off a professor to pass them in a class they were surely failing. This game will get you into trouble and has the potential to be blackmail material in the future so be sure you're not "black out" before participating. Just a warning. If you've ever played never have I ever, post some of the most memorable phrases here - I would love to know (plus by the time the second round hits I'm already out of questions ((and fingers *cough* *cough*))).

Just to get you started, "Never have I ever…

1. Picked my nose in public."
2. Used toys during…"
3. Found my best friend's boyfriend/girlfriend attractive to the point where I'd risk my friendship."
4. Slept with more than one male/female in the same night."
5. (Best pick up line ever courtesy of Natalia) wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now."

On the Drive Home

Have you ever sat in your car on a long drive home and heard one too many love songs? Have you ever spent too much time in your own head? Do you feel a lot? If so, you my luv will understand me perfectly. Lately I've taken to sojourning down the road of self discovery and to questioning everything and everyone around me. It has been enlightening and not necessarily all that fun. Especially when it comes to my dramatic and lackluster love life, the world that I currently reside in is rife with dreams, actions, mistakes, pit holes, lots of introspective journal writing, and seemingly perpetual loneliness. I always feel more alone when I'm at home – but I am glad to report that this summer has been eventful enough for me to not dwell on it. My ex and I made amends, I started talking to someone else (only for them to find my occasional imbibing not to their liking), I have managed to keep my legs closed for the majority of the summer, I stopped playing with one guys emotions, and completely screwed someone else (whose supposition on the nature of our relationship was way off base – but I did aid that along for a while which was wrong of me.) Ahh well this is life right?! At the ripe old age of 21 I am bound to learn so much about what I don't know and even more about what I don't know that I don't know. I have had enough life experiences to fill up a lifetime – yet good and bad I wouldn't trade them (which sounds all too cliché I know!)

Back to what I was saying though the long drive from the Galleria to Beltway on the north side of Houston. I thought a lot and not necessarily by choice. None of the Gospel music was hitting the right chord for me, the R&B station failed miserably to placate my insatiable appetite for a distraction, and it's Sunday which means that songs by Lil Wayne and H-Town Swisha House are not to be played. It's the one day of the week I take a break from my generation and mellow out to some old school or praise music for God. Anyway, nothing was left to do other than stare at the blinking LED light on my crackberry waiting for anyone to BBM me, watch the road, and ponder incessantly about the events of late and my place in this world.

He's either playing me or playing with me. I really don't understand how a man can be so affectionate and into you one day and then the next be standoffish and elusive?! Really what the hell? Now I realize that when you bring your homegirls around a guy you're talking to he can get that Drake syndrome (reference lyrics – she bring her friends around and make a nigga reconsider and man) which I totally thought through before I made the trek from Missouri City to 4^th ward @ 2am with 8 girls in my car but I figured that if he would act like that then I would know where to put him. But this nigga one upped even that notion – putting me on blast through a game of "Neva have I ever" or "10 questions" or "10 fingers" whatever you prefer. He said, and I quote, "Never have I ever wanted to date anyone in this room" with me sitting next to him and no he didn't put his finger down. And I was like homeboy bull shit! How you gone say that you wouldn't date me when just yesterday you were all on me, dragging me to your room when I was trying to keep it friendly? Kissing me, laying out on your bed as an invitation, holding me, being goofy? Like we know you want to hit but you won't out of principal and I won't let you out of respect for self. We already know that, we already established that we were going to be just friends – check. So again I ask, What Tha Hell? I was like, this is your second time putting me on blast with people around. I got the damn message. You didn't have to move to a different side of the room, you didn't have to actively ignore me, you didn't have to be fine as shit. You know really spare me please.

Uhhhh I'm so frustrated and I know this post doesn't make any sense cause you don't have the background story, but really it's not necessary. If you've ever been toyed with then you'll understand. What makes matters worse is that I really wanted to like him and I am not the kind of girl that just wastes feelings on men for longer than a week. I just don't have the wherewithal to. But this one had me talking about abroad and his ass saying that he'll only go if I got with him. What kind of shi… what the hell?! Shut up talking to me please? Please! That's the problem with the fine ones that actually have something going for them. They are messed up in the head! They're either insecure or scared or bull shit or aint shit. Gosh! Then his patna – I don't even want to get started on this man.

Poor thing, he's jaded. It's not his fault. His high school sweetheart and longtime GF cheated on him with someone else. Now, I don't know the details and absolutely no names, but this man is hurt – deep. He came in already with an attitude facing a bombardment of women who were slightly tipsy and in the midst of a slumber party. When he walked through the door it was already over. He brought up the topic of relationships and how all women are the same but men are different, all women are, and I quote, "Never real half the time" which is supposed to connote the fact that women are only finicky half the time and the other half they are completely lying or bullshitting. And he says this to us as a justification of the fact that he doesn't approach women to talk to, he doesn't go out to meet them, he doesn't put an effort into it cause it's not worth it. One day the woman he wants will just plop on his lap I guess. I don't know he was talking about how he watches the scene and sees the same pattern. And I was like maybe you need to move to a new hang out spot for some variety cause it sounds like you're life is quite monotonous. He wasn't ready. None of those guys are which is why I need to just keep it friendly. What I want is too much, and the man I need in my life has yet to arrive so I'm not going to trip or try to create him, Imma let his ass find me and when he does it's over. Shut it down and let us go half on a baby (the other half to follow after a ring and 3 years).

Ok – I know this post was a little neurotic and cluttered at best, but I promise it will get better as time goes on. I am just so – uhhhh I really do get in this mood where I can't stand dealing with guys. And it's extra frustrating because when it's not me in the situation things seem clear as day but now that I'm in it nothing makes sense. If you have any advice for me hit me up and let me know, otherwise stay tuned for more of A Hot Ghetto Wet Trash Mess!